Lawyer Jokes

 Here is a curated selection of classic lawyer jokes, categorized for quick reading.

The Classics

• What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
• Why did the shark refuse to bite the attorney? Professional courtesy.
• What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His briefcase.
• What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

Billable Hours & Fees

• A man asks a lawyer his rates. "It is $500 for three questions," the lawyer says. "Isn't that awfully expensive?" asks the man. "Yes," replies the lawyer. "What is your third question?"
• A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. "There must be a mistake," the lawyer argues to Saint Peter. "I am only 40 years old!" Saint Peter looks at his book and replies, "According to your billable hours, you are 92."
• Why are laboratory scientists switching from mice to lawyers? There are some things a mouse just won't do, and you do not get as attached to the lawyers.

In the Courtroom

• A judge asks a defendant: "Do you understand you are facing charges of perjury?" The defendant turns to his attorney and asks, "What does that mean?" The lawyer replies, "It means you are going to jail if you tell the truth."
• What do you call a lawyer who loses his briefcase? Disarmed.
• How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?